harryedward:

let your child be goofy and silly and make messes. teach them to clean up the messes without yelling at them. let your child be a child. not a mini adult who has to be perfect 24/7

How do you do this?  It is hard when you have several kids with different needs and ages and you’re trying to herd them all toward decency.  The hardest part is when children do something they shouldn’t and you feel like you have to come down like a hammer because you’re worried for them.  Instead of shouting random words at them, start them on these phrases from infancy:

* Do you understand ___ than ___?

     I’ll help, but do you understand if you play with blocks you have to put them back when you’re done?

* I know it’s hard.  I’ll help you and I believe in you.  (notice the absence of the word BUT)

     I know it’s hard to fold your socks.  I’ll help you and I believe in you.

* You don’t have to be good at it, you just have to do it.

     I know you’re having a hard time putting your books away.  You don’t have to be good at it you just have to do it.  You can always get better later.

* I want you to be safe. 

    I’m sorry you’re upset I won’t let you climb on the oven door, but I want you to be safe.

* You’re important to me and I want you to be happy.

   I won’t let you hit that kid because I want you to be happy, and if you can’t control your temper then you won’t be happy.

* You’re not ready for that yet. 

   Someday you can help me chop the vegetables, but you’re not ready for that yet.  What else would you like to help me do?

* Do you want to try that?/ Do you want to learn about that?

   You seem to be frustrated, do you want to try painting instead?

* It’s okay if you don’t know why you feel ____. 

   It’s okay if you don’t know why you feel sad, sometimes we’re just sad.

I know they seem new agey, but these – or variations of them – work because they assume that the child has their own agency.  The only reason they might seem embarrassing is because they either don’t get immediate response like some sort of password -SURPRISE! children aren’t robots – or that it assumes agency and intelligence when society teaches children have none.  I have looked into the face of a screaming infant and told them I’m sorry you’re upset I won’t let you eat the coupons, I just want you to be safe in the middle of a supermarket.  I kept it up, sometimes shouting it, and sometimes whispering it, and a lot of times when said baby bird was screaming and crying.  But now when I say it she’ll drop the dangerous thing and go do something else that doesn’t make me feel like I’m about to have a heart attack.

That’s really where the anger and fear and the sudden enormous loss of temper is coming from, we all just want our kids to be safe and happy, that’s what all parents want.  But you don’t have to bully your kids to get them there.